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Discotigger



Member Since: 12 Feb 2013
Location: Cumbria
Posts: 804

United Kingdom 2012 Range Rover Westminster TDV8 Orkney Grey

What do you call an elephant with a 6 inch willy...?



Just-in!!

Post #426336 5th Feb 2017 12:13am
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miggit



Member Since: 12 Jul 2014
Location: Milton Keynes
Posts: 3657

United Kingdom 

Whistle You forgot.........

What's the loudest noise in the jungle??

Giraffes eating cherries Shocked Yesterday I couldn't spell Engineer... Today I are one!
Inventor of the 'Guide-o-Matic automatic wheel alignment tool'
Former long term L322 owner, Up/Down graded to a Classic Tractor!

Post #426382 5th Feb 2017 11:25am
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axle



Member Since: 28 Oct 2007
Location: Perth Perth the end of the Earth
Posts: 2964

Australia 2008 Range Rover Supercharged 4.2 SC V8 Rimini Red

What has Pornhub and an Adele album have in common?

An empty box of kleenex and the inconsolable tears of loneliness . 2008 MY Supercharged
Rimini Red / Jet
four zone climate
remote park heater
and no ugly kid windows.
magnus satis quod turpis satis

Post #427268 11th Feb 2017 8:57am
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miggit



Member Since: 12 Jul 2014
Location: Milton Keynes
Posts: 3657

United Kingdom 

Adele.... evil woman..... she set fire to Lorraine and then wrote a song to bragg about it.. Rolling Eyes Yesterday I couldn't spell Engineer... Today I are one!
Inventor of the 'Guide-o-Matic automatic wheel alignment tool'
Former long term L322 owner, Up/Down graded to a Classic Tractor!

Post #427271 11th Feb 2017 9:34am
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Discotigger



Member Since: 12 Feb 2013
Location: Cumbria
Posts: 804

United Kingdom 2012 Range Rover Westminster TDV8 Orkney Grey

What do you call a muslim Glaswegian alcoholic?

Pishtoot Maheed

Post #427275 11th Feb 2017 10:07am
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martinf



Member Since: 26 Dec 2014
Location: sussex
Posts: 256

United Kingdom 2016 Range Rover Vogue TDV6 Santorini Black

IRISH SAUSAGES
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.


Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.


Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”

Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”


He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't got any money!!”

Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more
of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”

Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which
pub I lost the sausage in.”

Post #431617 19th Mar 2017 9:12am
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mzplcg



Member Since: 26 May 2010
Location: Warwickshire. England. The Commonwealth.
Posts: 4029

United Kingdom 2014 Range Rover Vogue SE SDV8 Corris Grey

Two ladies talking in Heaven:
1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible !
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and died a peaceful death. And you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him by himself in the living room watching TV.
1st woman: so what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement, then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds, I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive today !!!

Post #431931 21st Mar 2017 4:07pm
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caymanblack



Member Since: 08 Dec 2015
Location: DEVON
Posts: 1042

United Kingdom 2017 Range Rover Autobiography SDV8 Carpathian Grey

I Met A Lovely Lady Tonight....
So i thought that i'd send her over a bottle of Merlot.
So i asked waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....
and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds,
not looking at the me, then decided to send a reply to me by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response,
took the note from her and conveyed it to the me.

The note read:'For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million pound in the bank
and '8' inches in your pants......
After reading the note, i decided to compose one of my own in return.
I folded the note, handed it to the waiter
and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be:
"I have a Ferrari Maranello,

a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages;
I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami.


There is over twenty million pound in my bank account and portfolio.


But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,
would I cut off two inches.
Just send the wine back"!!!

Post #431962 21st Mar 2017 7:10pm
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KurtVerbose



Member Since: 08 Aug 2010
Location: Les Arses
Posts: 5848

Switzerland 2007 Range Rover Vogue TDV8 Stornoway Grey

The Chairman of Parcelforce has died...his funeral will be held on Tuesday between 8am and 1pm.

Post #446579 3rd Aug 2017 9:19pm
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KurtVerbose



Member Since: 08 Aug 2010
Location: Les Arses
Posts: 5848

Switzerland 2007 Range Rover Vogue TDV8 Stornoway Grey

Why did the partially sighted man fall into the well?

He couldn't see that well.

Post #446580 3rd Aug 2017 9:19pm
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KurtVerbose



Member Since: 08 Aug 2010
Location: Les Arses
Posts: 5848

Switzerland 2007 Range Rover Vogue TDV8 Stornoway Grey

My mate races snails and he wanted to make one faster so he removed it's shell, unfortunately he just made it slugish.

Post #446581 3rd Aug 2017 9:19pm
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RR2008HSE



Member Since: 06 Jan 2013
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 2932

Canada 2008 Range Rover HSE 4.4 V8 Java Black

Laughing Good to still see life in this thread.

Post #446895 6th Aug 2017 10:50pm
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