Boredom really .........

1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

When you see a woman....
And want her badly.
Please consider the following....





No matter how beautiful she is.....

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1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians? ..
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? …
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? .
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? ….
Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? …..
A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? …
Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? …
She was found face down in Ricki Lake .

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? .
Even the pool table doesn’t have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins? .
Lick-a-likes.

11. What’s the definition of confusion? …
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What’s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker.

13. What do you have when you’ve got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?
100 people that don’t do dick

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern; the husband leans over and asks his wife.

Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.

"Yes she says I remember it well"

Ok he says "How about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old times sake"

Oooooooh Henry, You Devil that sounds like a good idea she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see this: two old-timers having sex against a fence, Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. He follows them...

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks; finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.

They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling "Ohhhh, God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable; finally, the both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed; He thinks he has leaned something about life that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else; you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together, is there some sort of secret?


"No, there's no secret" the old man says, "fifty years ago that darn fence wasn't electric."

Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England ) Comes to Scotland to Conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield, there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill - a short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.


'Hammer O the Scots?' yells the wee Scottish guy on the hill. 'Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!'


Edward turns to his commander. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says. The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman.

Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, The little Scot appears again. 'Ya English diddies!' he yells. 'Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ye all!'


Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!' The commander sends 100 men Over the hill to do the job

Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn. 'Ya English SCUM!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, ya English sh*te !!'


Edward loses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!' he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.

Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, snot and Irn-Bru. 'Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go ya bunch of English Sh*te!!!' he yells.


Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back til you've killed him!' he commands. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.


Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. 'Your Majesty!' he yells:
'It's a trap!!! There's two of them!!!!

SCOTLAND


In the beginning, the Lord God Almighty, sitting on his throne on high, turned to his mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said, “Gabby, today I’m going to create Scotland, I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into a amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land, I shall lay rich seams of coal. In the waters around the shores, there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed, there will be vast deposits of oil and gas”.


“Excuse me Sire,” interrupted Archangel Gabriel, “Don’t you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots?”


“S**t no”, replied the Lord, “Wait till you see the f***in neighbours I’m giving them.”

who gave you the pictures of my ex-girlfriends?

40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees - Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.

-10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets
cold enough.

-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.

-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " bit chilly the day ... eh? "

-500 degrees - Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup

Made me chuckle....

me...

Merged a flood of new threads into one to keep it tidy

OCD Martin..

Thanks Martin