First Jade, then Jacko and now Winehouse ! Seems like a case of the Goody, the Bad and the Ugly.

So the wife went to the Doctor's with a bad leg. She came home and said "The Doc told me I can't drive". I said, "Well I could have told you that dear"

Dear Deidre, I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was knocking one out I turned and noticed my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert? Dave.

I've just won a competition in the local newspaper for the best photos of "stupid things you've done while drunk"... I sent in my wedding album.

Ngongo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water & 7 miles for food... this is because the daft twot torched Peckham Spar & Tottenham KFC and now has to walk to Croydon for breakfast.

I looked out on the destruction last night... cars on their side, a bus on fire, people running for cover, police unsure when to make the move... I knew I shouldn't have let the Mrs try & park the car.

If sex is the best form of exercise, why are slags always fat?

An African man just begged me for money & when I said no he burst into tears... Effin' emotional black male.

When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

I was washing the car yesterday when my annoying neighbour pipes up, "You can clean mine next!" "Ha ha!" I laughed. I mean, it's bad enough I have to **** his wife for him never mind washing his damn car.

"Thank you for calling News of the world, calls may be recorded for training purposes and scandal verification, please hold"

mzplcg wrote:

When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

Now I'm a believer!

So my mates send me a txt to tell me he has some bad news..........

Turns out on his last trip to Thailand he picked up a beautiful young bride, but 3 months down the line she's not feeling so good, so of they pop to the docs for some tests.

"Bad news" says the doc, "you have breast cancer I'm afraid, but sadly, that's not the end of the bad news", he continues, "it's also spread to your testicles!"

 Got - 2017 SDV8 Autobiography in Loire Blue
Had- 2008 TDV8 Vogue SE in Java black
Had - 2007 S/C in Stornoway Grey

Same mate, who's a bit dyslexic phones me up and say "what you do make of that death in the Army Warehouse in London then?"  Got - 2017 SDV8 Autobiography in Loire Blue
Had- 2008 TDV8 Vogue SE in Java black
Had - 2007 S/C in Stornoway Grey

Sing this to the tune of 'Only Fools & Horses'

Stick a Sony in me pocket,
I'll put the laptops in the van,
Cos if you want the best 'uns,
But you don't ask questions,
Then brothers are your men,
Cos where it all comes from ain't a mystery,
Men are looting is the reason,
They are flush with LCD's,
But here's the one that's drivin' me beserk,
Why do only fools and honkies work?

la la la la la
la la la la la la
la la la la la
la la la la la la