I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave,
and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there
instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, F g Yesterday."


*************


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

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"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

not bad Mick your getting better!!!

Dear Sir,

I would like to complain about the recent advert placed in the Manchester Evening News for a Technical Support Engineer. While most of the advert was OK I must object strongly to the line "Please reply with your CV and also state your weight in kilograms".

Our personnel manager replies:

The position was also advertised internally and this version contained no reference to weight at all.
While we have no intrinsic objection to obese people there are certain safety considerations to be taken into account.
Most overweight people are prone to wind and this could prove a serious fire hazard if inadvertently ignited.
Fat people can block fire exits and cause panic if they accidentally sit on someone.
Fat people are often late for work because they cannot run fast enough to catch the bus.
Technical Support is very overcrowded and there literally is no room for an excessively large person.
We can actually fit two or even three people into the same space taken by a fat bastard.

Comments TSG manager:

I have no objection to fat people. I once had an affair with a very, very fat girl. She sat on my water bed and it burst. We went for a bath together and I couldn't fit in, neither could the water. We took a ride on the bus and I had to pay for three seats. Our favourite game was hide the fifty pence piece. She would hide this in a fold of fat and I had to find it, I lost three quid one night. Her bra was a b.ugger to get off, it had six clips and we used to keep potatoes in it. We drifted apart and she went off with a guy from Lytham St Annes who had a metal detector, I think he's got my three quid.


(Source: Company magazine, December 1993)

 ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

That's even better!!!