Scientists issued a stark warning today about the effect of an increasing number of women with fake breasts reaching old age, dying and then being buried.

“Except for the skeleton, body tissue decomposes relatively quickly,” says biologist Professor Emily Sharp of UCL. “Not so silicone.”

“As more and more women get enhanced boobs and therefore die with them, significant quantities of silicone are entering the food chain via the maggots that aid decay.”

“Normally this isn’t a problem, but if there is a high density of silicone in the ground – for example some of the churchyards in Knightsbridge – then the digestive processes of insects and ultimately mammals become overwhelmed. Their metabolisms store the silicone as if it were fat, often at the front of the body.”

‘Mice with tits!’ was how The Sun newspaper characterised the issue, but Professor Sharp insists it’s more serious than just a localised plague of topless rodents.

“Nature transmits up the food chain, and our evidence of some smaller mammals with silicone deposits under the skin may only be the beginning.”

“Rats, cats, dogs, squirrels, pigs and even otters: pretty soon every animal in the UK could need a bra – and that spells disaster for our struggling farmers with their big clumsy fingers.”

Story: Jasper Gibson ====================================

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