An obese bird struggling to walk stopped me in the street this morning and said, "will you see me across the road love?"

I said, "across the road, I could see you from space you fat

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way !"

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazillion ?"

My computer has just been infected with the "Rob Green Virus"... I can't save anything...

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

" Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said,

"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific Ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?."

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid
£400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want
to see how you live on £800 a year".

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband. "It's 3 o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push!" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when
we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! I think you should help him!"

The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" Comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

The drunk calls out "Over here on the swing!"

very good

All very good

In the Off topic area shouldnt we have a joke and entertainment area like i think the D3 & RRS Forum has

Would be better as the jokes are all over the forum........... Martin ....

A lady walks into a Land Rover dealership. She browses around, spots the
top-of-the-line Rangie and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over
to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right
now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying
complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day,
Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"

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He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to ****
yourself when I tell you the price."