A man gets pulled over by cops for speeding...

Officer: "did you know you were speeding?"
Man: "no officer, I thought I was doing under 40"
Wife: "don't lie jack, you were saying yourself you wanted to get home asap"
Man: "shut up julie"
Officer: "and did you know your brake light was out?"
Man: "oh no officer, I'll get that fixed 1st thing tomorrow"
Wife: "oh for goodness sake jack, I've been saying it to you for months"
Man: "just f ing shut up julie"
Officer: "and finally sir why weren't you wearing your seat belt?"
Man: "I was officer, I took it off only as you pulled me over"
Wife: "you really are a liar jack, you NEVER wear your belt"
Man: "JULIE YOU F ING BITCH WILL YOU SHUT THE F K UP BEFORE I POUND YOU INTO THE GROUND?"
Officer: "does he always talk to you like that madam?"
Wife: "only when he's drunk

After my wife said something stupid earlier i asked my son "where did we find her?"


He replied "In the kitchen"


Well done son.

So I'm at work and the ginger bloke says to me "my mate got the new iPhone really cheap, only paid £100"

"I don't believe you" I said

"No, I'm serious" he replied

"No, I don't believe you've got any mates"

Ist joke really made me LMFAO

ps do you ever do any work

pps obviously not your in IT

Work!!! Don't start swearing at me...

Why do people think that because we work in iT we don't do anything... I've just been to the dump to drop off my roof from my pergola, yesterday I took off the pergola roof. The day before I spent the whole day looking for cars. Then there this site, that takes a lot of work posting... Tomorrow I'm going to my brothers who works for a lighting company to test some LED lights for the extension that's going on. In between all that work, I take my son up the park to the swings... I also have to fit in walking the dogs and chatting to my neighbour for a good half an hour a day.

Christ, I didn't realise I done so much work... I need a week off.

Pulled over 2

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?" asks the driver

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you wan't to see"

The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car then calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior police officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of the vehicle please!"

The man steps out of the car "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers has told me you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"


The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of the car?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer asks "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes" and hands him the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in is pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines his licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet that lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

Brilliant

I must try that