What do you do when someone is having an Epileptic fit in a Bath .........


Throw soap powder and your dirty washing in..........

School girl says, "Mummy, I know where babies come from!"

Mum replies, "Where's that then darling?" Girl says,

"Mummy & Daddy take their clothes off & Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out & Mummy puts it in her mouth & sucks it & that's how u get babies!"

Shaking her head, Mum says,

"Oh darling that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies, that's how we get flowers, jewellery, clothes, shoes & all the decorating done"!

Ain't that the truth!

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake.

He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

The old sailor asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

Liverpool have made a bid for Rooney after he said he wanted to play in a different league next season.

Genius move from Man United commercially, now all those fans who burnt their Rooney shirts will have to buy new ones


Why did my wife cross the road?

To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago.

My uncle Eric was a ventriloquist...

He used to put his fingers up my arse and ask me not to say anything!

Naughty Eric...

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.


One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
..
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

A woman stopped me in the street and asked why I was wearing sunglasses.

"I'm blind," I replied.

"Oh, I see," she said.

" off, don't rub it in."

A man stopped me in the street and asked me why I bought a black FFRR

"To Rob off" I replied

He himself laughing  4 out of the 5 voices in my head tell me I'm sane, and majority rules.

A girl sneezed in the pub and her glass eye flew out and landed in my hand.
I took it back to her, and we got chatting. After a few beers and a bit of flirting, I took her home and shagged her all night.
"Do you shag everyone on a first date" I asked.
She replied "No, only the ones who catch my eye"