The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS.

They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap".

They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para's.

They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the Police, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Charlie Alpha one to Hotel Alpha suspect heading straight for Charlie Alpha two..." etc.

After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!"

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police sergeant nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five pound a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his £80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"



The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along,

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"And I'll marry them"

Went shopping to Morrisons today some f r threw a lump of cheese at me , i said thats not very mature is it !! 2002 td6 vogue, 06 supercharged facelift

Darren, I like it...

Mick am I being thick!! I don't get the joke...

What do you call a child out of Wedlock .............

I get it now...

Gary Glitter is in Chile now.

Only place where you can slide a minor up and down your shaft and get applauded. 

Gary Glitter jokes are always funny....