Ever since it started to snow, all my wife has done is look through the window.



I suppose I will have to let her in sometime

Alvin and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Alvin didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Alvin hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Alvin lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Alvin, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Alvin! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Alvin, what in the world happened to you?'

Alvin replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Alvin said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled
by her dog and her cat The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too,
I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't
have a siren."

Went into Sainsburys garage to get the wife cigarettes , handed the cashier a twenty pound note ..
She asked if i had anything smaller , so i pulled out my cock , thats me frigging barred ......




US and British troops attacked a housing estate in Pakistan today , 250 dead and over 400 injured , A spokesman said they will attack the 2nd house tomorrow .........

MICK wrote:

She asked if i had anything smaller , so i pulled out my cock ,

So you only bought a 5 pack then

I went to a fortune teller last week. She studied my hand and said "you have been masturbating".

I said "hey youre good. Can you tell me anything about my future?". She looked at my face and said, "you'll be doing it for a long time"

I left London on M6 heading toward Manchester, when I decided to stop at a restroom.

The first toilet stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

"Not bad."

And the stranger said:

"And, what are you up to?"

Talk about a dumb question!

I was really beginning to think this was too weird. So I said:

"Well, just like you, I am driving North?"


Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say:

"Look, I'll call you right back, there is some idiot in the next stall answering all my questions.

Went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs....

The dancefloor was crawling with fanny

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on."What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host."A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

This Christmas I'm going to get something that'll make the wife look really sexy.


12 cans of Special Brew

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.

The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly & was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.It strengthens the pelvic muscles & will make delivery that much easier.Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path".
She looked at the men in the room, "and remember Gentlemen, - You're in this together - It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her".

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes", answered the Instructor.

"I was wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk"??

--- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.


At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh t out of him.

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked
their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught
the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the
winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does
it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's
going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service
again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very
cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it
is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a s hitload of
firewood.