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Defender Dave.



Member Since: 01 Mar 2018
Location: Co.Tyrone
Posts: 51

Northern Ireland 2012 Range Rover Vogue 4.4 V8 Java Black

There was a massive oil well fire in Texas. The oil company was loosing millions of Dollars an hour. Unfortunately the local go to oil well fire fighter, Red Adair was fighting a fire in Saudi. The oil company executives were crapping themselves about getting the fire put out. After Googling "oil well fire fighters" they got a number for a fellow just outside Limerick - Green Adair. He said he would do the job for five million Dollars - the executives agreed and asked when he would be arriving. Green said 10 hours. Sure enough, ten hours later a Hercules transport aircraft landed and down went the ramp. Next thing an 05 Dublin registered Transit van came out of the plane, drove right into the middle of the fire and six men got out and beat the fire out with donkey jackets. When the executives from the oil company were paying Green his five million Dollar fee, one asked him what he was going to spend it on to which he replied "first thing I'm going to do is get the brakes sorted on that fecking van"!!.

Post #502630 24th Jan 2019 12:47pm
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Pfazz



Member Since: 07 Apr 2012
Location: Stalybridge, Cheshire.
Posts: 507

2019 Range Rover Autobiography SDV8 Loire Blue

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention BOTOX and nobody raises an eyebrow! Agueroooooooooo. 93-20
I swear you will never see anything like this ever again....watch it..drink it in.

Post #502754 25th Jan 2019 11:31am
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AJGalaxy2012



Member Since: 11 Jun 2018
Location: Gainsborough
Posts: 1260

United Kingdom 2012 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 V8 Bonatti Grey

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin.' Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
He blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?”
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
He blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg.”
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. He blushed.
The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Then the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.”
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies? BMW i3 Electric Car (170 bhp mobility scooter)
2012 Full Fat RR 4.4 TDV8 (now gone)
2006 VW Touareg 3.0 TDi V6

Post #502764 25th Jan 2019 3:30pm
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Rosco



Member Since: 20 Jan 2012
Location: Beyond the wall.
Posts: 2480

United Kingdom 2013 Range Rover Autobiography SDV8 Baltic Blue

Queen Elizabeth is visiting a Glasgow hospital. She enters a ward full of patients, and notices that they’re all dressed in street clothes and have no obvious sign of injury or illness. The Queen approaches a patient and greets him.

The patient replies:
“My heart’s in the Highlands, my heart is not here, My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer.”

The Queen is confused, but smiles and moves on to greet the next patient.

The patient responds:
“Some hae meat an’ canna eat, And some wad eat tha’ want it, But we hae meat an’ we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, and smiling even more broadly, the Queen moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant:
“My love is like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June; My love is like the melody that’s sweetly played in tune.”

Now very confused, the Queen turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, “Is this a psychiatric ward?”

“No, Your Majesty,” replies the doctor. “This is the serious Burns unit.”

Post #502830 26th Jan 2019 10:02am
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dolph34



Member Since: 14 Sep 2015
Location: Kildare
Posts: 1721

Ireland 2015 Range Rover Autobiography SDV8 Corris Grey

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs9kVmmBf7x/?u...crznclmb6t

The LR handover experience has taken a twist 👍👍 2015 4.4 AB
GSXR 1000 K5
R1 1998

Post #502916 26th Jan 2019 11:39pm
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Pfazz



Member Since: 07 Apr 2012
Location: Stalybridge, Cheshire.
Posts: 507

2019 Range Rover Autobiography SDV8 Loire Blue

My wife and daughters are leaving because of my obsession with horse racing.
They're at the gate now. And they're off!! Agueroooooooooo. 93-20
I swear you will never see anything like this ever again....watch it..drink it in.

Post #502949 27th Jan 2019 12:17pm
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Pfazz



Member Since: 07 Apr 2012
Location: Stalybridge, Cheshire.
Posts: 507

2019 Range Rover Autobiography SDV8 Loire Blue

So. Apparently Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell
In a statement she said:

"The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis" Agueroooooooooo. 93-20
I swear you will never see anything like this ever again....watch it..drink it in.

Post #502950 27th Jan 2019 12:19pm
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Pfazz



Member Since: 07 Apr 2012
Location: Stalybridge, Cheshire.
Posts: 507

2019 Range Rover Autobiography SDV8 Loire Blue

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says, "A bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says, "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in”. “So?" Smartie says. "Don't worry about it. I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, and lamping him with little sugary chairs. After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood. He turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were going to look after me?" "I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f***ing menthol...” Agueroooooooooo. 93-20
I swear you will never see anything like this ever again....watch it..drink it in.

Post #503161 29th Jan 2019 9:10am
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Mr Tee



Member Since: 13 Dec 2010
Location: Near Wackyjim
Posts: 2592

Scotland 2014 Range Rover Vogue SE SDV8 Luxor

Serious burns unit Rolling with laughter

Post #503171 29th Jan 2019 10:32am
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Pfazz



Member Since: 07 Apr 2012
Location: Stalybridge, Cheshire.
Posts: 507

2019 Range Rover Autobiography SDV8 Loire Blue

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered. Agueroooooooooo. 93-20
I swear you will never see anything like this ever again....watch it..drink it in.

Post #504400 8th Feb 2019 7:43am
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Emperor Mong



Member Since: 07 Jul 2010
Location: London
Posts: 1435

United Kingdom 2019 Range Rover Autobiography 2.0 PHEV Loire Blue

Prince Charles is touring the sickbay of the Black Watch Regiment in his role as Colonel in Chief.

He's taken to see the first patient.
"Ah yes, my good man, what are you in here for?"
"Haemorrhoids, Sir!" barked the soldier.
"Ah, I see. And what treatment are they giving you, Sergant?"
"Wire brush and dettol, Sir!"
"Oof. And what do you want, laddie?" said Charles, wincing.
"To beat this terrible affliction so I can serve Queen and country, Sir!"
"Good man."

He's taken to see the second patient.
"Right soldier, what are you in here for?"
"Gonorrhoea, Sir!" barked the soldier.
"Nasty. And what treatment are they giving you, Corporal?"
"Wire brush and dettol, Sir!"
"Dear God! And what do you want, laddie?" said Charles, visibly paling.
"To beat this awful disease so I can serve Queen and country again, Sir!"
"Good man."

He's taken to see the third patient.
"Ah yes, my good man, what are you in here for?"
"Laryngitis, Sir!" croaked the soldier.
"Oh, that's much less embarrassing. And what treatment are they giving you, Private?"
"Wire brush and dettol, Sir!"
"Really? And what do you want, laddie?"
"To get the wire brush and dettol before those two bastards, Sir!"

Post #504867 11th Feb 2019 9:14pm
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rjff



Member Since: 28 Oct 2017
Location: Fenland in Cambridgeshire
Posts: 1164

United Kingdom 2011 Range Rover Vogue TDV8 Santorini Black

Does life imitate cartoons???


Click image to enlarge



Fake news???

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/m...e-13950715


thanks to Larson a great commentator

(oh! and the mirror) Cheers
Richard

(there are no such things as an ordinary FullFat, an ordinary cat or too many tools)
2011 TDV8 Vogue Santorini Black
Gap IIDBT

Post #505044 13th Feb 2019 5:59pm
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Pfazz



Member Since: 07 Apr 2012
Location: Stalybridge, Cheshire.
Posts: 507

2019 Range Rover Autobiography SDV8 Loire Blue

Beware of this takeaway...
We ordered a Chinese takeaway tonight, and as I was driving home I heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag trying to eat my supper? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again - more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers. I thought it could be a rat or mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the carrier bag down. And there it was...
A Peeking Duck. Agueroooooooooo. 93-20
I swear you will never see anything like this ever again....watch it..drink it in.

Post #506789 1st Mar 2019 8:22am
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Bradders



Member Since: 03 Dec 2018
Location: Gods own country
Posts: 417

United Kingdom 2012 Range Rover Westminster TDV8 Zermatt Silver

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg, indeed she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that's the truth.... Current: FF Westminster money pit

Gone:
RRS 4.2 SC
RRS 3.6 TDV8
FL2 TD4

Post #506962 2nd Mar 2019 10:21am
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Robert



Member Since: 25 Oct 2011
Location: Perigueux
Posts: 2254

France 2007 Range Rover Vogue 4.4 V8 Zambezi Silver

Laughing Thumbs Up creative !!!

Post #507034 2nd Mar 2019 6:30pm
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