Advertise on fullfatrr.com »

Home > Off Topic > Random Joke Thread
Post Reply  Down to end
Page 1 of 75 123 ... 737475>
Print this entire topic · 
duckworthparts
Site Sponsor


Member Since: 30 Jun 2011
Location: Market Rasen, Lincolnshire
Posts: 5216

United Kingdom 
Random Joke Thread

Post your jokes...

The pharmacist walked into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asked the blonde clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”

The blonde clerk responded: “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”

The pharmacist yelled: “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a laxative!”

The blonde clerk responded, “Of course you can! Look at him, he’s afraid to cough.” You can paypal direct using - www.paypal.me/duckworthparts
Please supply your full name address when sending a paypal payment.
https://www.facebook.com/duckworthparts
www.duckworthparts.co.uk
My Direct Line: 01673 849873
Email: Sophie.Alltoft@duckworth.co.uk
Supplier of Genuine Land Rover & Jaguar Parts For All Models

Post #83158 22nd Sep 2011 1:43pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
47p2



Member Since: 05 Oct 2010
Location: Gone Beyond, Subaru
Posts: 8048

Scotland 

Paddy drags a huge box to the Antiques roadshow in Dublin.

Where did u get this from asked the expert?

It's been in my loft for 40 years . I think it's a family heirloom.
Do you have insurance? asks the expert.
No. Should I? says Paddy.
Yeah says the expert. It's your Fecking water tank!

Post #83177 22nd Sep 2011 2:50pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
47p2



Member Since: 05 Oct 2010
Location: Gone Beyond, Subaru
Posts: 8048

Scotland 

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Post #83178 22nd Sep 2011 2:54pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
47p2



Member Since: 05 Oct 2010
Location: Gone Beyond, Subaru
Posts: 8048

Scotland 
Life in the Australian Army..

Text of a letter from a kid from Romagna to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Romagna is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but it’s not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buugered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of pi55!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes yagotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
Me face looks like a fistful of busted arseholes but the city Jokers here reckon I'm a bit of a good looker.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter,

Susan

Post #83179 22nd Sep 2011 2:56pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
pretlove



Member Since: 10 Feb 2011
Location: Bas vegas
Posts: 1865

United Kingdom 2003 Range Rover HSE 4.4 V8 Zambezi Silver

Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter "RANGEISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED"
www.futuresecurityservices.co.uk
Pretlove says , '' I want my car back Sad "

Post #83190 22nd Sep 2011 3:20pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
Joe90



Member Since: 29 Apr 2010
Location: Hampshire
Posts: 6367

England 

I was walking down the high street a couple of days ago, when someone jumped out from a shop doorway and started throwing cheese at me.

I turned on the fellow and said "now that's not very mature" .
Experience is the only genuine knowledge, but as time passes, I have forgotten more than I can remember Wink
Volvo V70 P2 2006 2.4 Petrol 170bhp Estate SE
MG Midget Mk1 1962

Previous: L322 Range Rover TDV8 3.6 2008; L322 Range Rover TD6 3.0 2002; P38A Range Rover V8 1999

Post #83370 22nd Sep 2011 10:26pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
duckworthparts
Site Sponsor


Member Since: 30 Jun 2011
Location: Market Rasen, Lincolnshire
Posts: 5216

United Kingdom 

if you say "gullible" really slow it actually sounds like orange. You can paypal direct using - www.paypal.me/duckworthparts
Please supply your full name address when sending a paypal payment.
https://www.facebook.com/duckworthparts
www.duckworthparts.co.uk
My Direct Line: 01673 849873
Email: Sophie.Alltoft@duckworth.co.uk
Supplier of Genuine Land Rover & Jaguar Parts For All Models

Post #83383 23rd Sep 2011 7:03am
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
A1GSS



Member Since: 24 Dec 2010
Location: Saffron Walden, Essex
Posts: 1950

England 

duckworthparts wrote:
if you say "gullible" really slow it actually sounds like orange.

Nearly.... Rolling with laughter Graham

NOW: Jaguar iPace HSE in Silicon Silver / Black
-----
GONE: TDV8 FFRR Vogue in Stornoway Grey / Jet
GONE: TDV6 Discovery 3 in Stornoway Grey / Alpaca

Post #83386 23rd Sep 2011 7:14am
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
andyboy



Member Since: 24 Aug 2010
Location: south wales
Posts: 540

Wales 2004 Range Rover Vogue Td6 Java Black

scientists have discovered the real meaning of the word twitter-



its the bit of skin between the tw Censored t and shi Censored Censored er. Laughing

Post #83543 23rd Sep 2011 7:34pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
PaulB



Member Since: 17 Jul 2011
Location: Hampton
Posts: 877

2017 Range Rover Autobiography SDV8 Loire Blue

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile on a leash.All the customers start running for the exits and hiding under tables.
Sorry, said the barman, you can't bring that in here, you are scaring all my customers

No way!! Said the man, my croc is very docile, she wouldn't hurt a fly. Prove it,said the bar man.

The man opened the crocs mouth wide open and then proceeded to undo his flies and place his manhood in the crocs mouth. He picked up a glass bottle and smashed the croc over the head, the croc slammed it's jaws shut, stopping just short of the mans old fella.

See, said the man, he wouldn't hurt a fly.

He turned round and shouted, does anybody else wanna go?

Yes please, shouted the old lady sitting in the corner, but please don't hit me with bottle.


Last edited by PaulB on 25th Sep 2011 7:56am. Edited 1 time in total

Post #83578 23rd Sep 2011 10:59pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
47p2



Member Since: 05 Oct 2010
Location: Gone Beyond, Subaru
Posts: 8048

Scotland 

The Pastor gets a new set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit to asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

Post #83676 24th Sep 2011 10:48pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
Alistair



Member Since: 11 Feb 2011
Location: Peterborough / Bordeaux / Andorra
Posts: 7467

United Kingdom 2013 Range Rover Vogue SE SDV8 Santorini Black

duckworthparts wrote:
if you say "gullible" really slow it actually sounds like orange.


Gullible isn't actually a real word - if you look in the dictionary you won't find it.....

Post #83696 25th Sep 2011 9:16am
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
47p2



Member Since: 05 Oct 2010
Location: Gone Beyond, Subaru
Posts: 8048

Scotland 
House of ill repute

See if you can work this out:




There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill.


There were four men ...

one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men




* The man going up the hill: was rushin
* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin
* The man walking down the hill: was finish


Now wait for it ...............................................!!!!!!


Ya gonna hate this .............................................




* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!

Post #84511 28th Sep 2011 9:45pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
M44K TS



Member Since: 09 Feb 2010
Location: North East U.K.
Posts: 1325

England 

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone. 2006 Mercedes CLS
1991 Retro-style Mini
But really finding it hard to fight the urge for a S/C...

Post #84600 29th Sep 2011 3:53pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
delamo



Member Since: 17 Mar 2010
Location: Beaconsfield, Bucks
Posts: 1121

England 2007 Range Rover Vogue SE TDV8 Tonga Green

The missus told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that help you get an erection...

...you should have seen its face when I came back and tossed her some slimming pills Twisted Evil

Post #84611 29th Sep 2011 4:37pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
Post Reply  Back to top
Page 1 of 75 123 ... 737475>
All times are GMT

Jump to  
Previous Topic | Next Topic >
Posting Rules
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum



Site Copyright © 2006-2022 Futuranet Ltd & Martin Lewis
fullfatrr.com RSS Feed - All Forums


Switch to Mobile site