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Rosco



Member Since: 20 Jan 2012
Location: Beyond the wall.
Posts: 2480

United Kingdom 2013 Range Rover Autobiography SDV8 Baltic Blue

Post #508052 9th Mar 2019 8:35am
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Alistair



Member Since: 11 Feb 2011
Location: Peterborough / Bordeaux / Andorra
Posts: 7464

United Kingdom 2013 Range Rover Vogue SE SDV8 Santorini Black

Rolling with laughter Bow down

Post #508054 9th Mar 2019 9:04am
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rw90



Member Since: 07 Mar 2019
Location: Scotland
Posts: 35

United Kingdom 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 V8 Santorini Black

Love this!

Post #526634 31st Aug 2019 9:47am
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stagger



Member Since: 05 Oct 2009
Location: Huddersfield West Yorkshire
Posts: 72

United Kingdom 2003 Range Rover Vogue 4.4 V8 Oslo Blue

It was the final of the International Engineering Apprentice competition and the 3 finalists were teams from Toyota. Mercedes Benz and Land Rover, each team was given two 50mm ball bearings and asked to return in 3 days with the results of their endeavours.

On their return the team from Toyota produced a basic newtons cradle after drilling the bearings and making a frame.

The team from Mercedes Benz were next and proudly explained that they had welded the two bearings together and the spark eroded the figure of an angel onto the surface.

Finally the team from Land Rover and they explained that unfortunately they had ………………
Lost one and broke the other

Post #526740 1st Sep 2019 12:19pm
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Bill



Member Since: 18 Nov 2017
Location: Essex / Normandy
Posts: 921

United Kingdom 

Alistair wrote:
Rolling with laughter Bow down

Ditto Filters are in fact so good that in certain circumstances, when the ambient air is already polluted, a diesel car will tend to extract more particles from the air than it emits. Emissions Analytics worked with........etc etc

He who dies with the most toys wins...

Post #526875 2nd Sep 2019 7:24pm
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dolph34



Member Since: 14 Sep 2015
Location: Kildare
Posts: 1721

Ireland 2015 Range Rover Autobiography SDV8 Corris Grey

For all the old dudes .....

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep Censored now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.
The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says……..
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”

Moral of this story…
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Censored and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to two 'old' bastards right away, there will be two fewer people laughing in the world.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged’. 2015 4.4 AB
GSXR 1000 K5
R1 1998

Post #533327 6th Nov 2019 3:39pm
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rjff



Member Since: 28 Oct 2017
Location: Fenland in Cambridgeshire
Posts: 1164

United Kingdom 2011 Range Rover Vogue TDV8 Santorini Black

Next time a stranger starts talking to you, look at them and say

you can SEE me ????? Cheers
Richard

(there are no such things as an ordinary FullFat, an ordinary cat or too many tools)
2011 TDV8 Vogue Santorini Black
Gap IIDBT

Post #533372 6th Nov 2019 10:44pm
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supershuttle



Member Since: 20 Mar 2011
Location: Lancashire
Posts: 3421

England 2013 Range Rover Autobiography SDV8 Luxor

One I heard recently - a Scotsman, a Welshman and an Irishman were in a bar, normally you would expect an Englishman as well, but he was in Japan watching the Rugby World Cup final. Geoff

Post #533384 7th Nov 2019 7:59am
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ilard



Member Since: 21 Oct 2012
Location: London
Posts: 662

United Kingdom 

A bit geeky, but...

A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar and thinks to itself “I’ll have what everyone else is having”
And promptly orders a coaster.

Post #533469 7th Nov 2019 10:23pm
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markdotreed



Member Since: 05 Sep 2011
Location: Ropley
Posts: 739

United Kingdom 

We're having a 'Brexit Christmas Dinner' this year.....

It's like a normal Christmas Dinner........ But without the Brussels...... Regards
Mark

2009 D4; 1993 Classic 3.9 VSE

Post #533479 8th Nov 2019 7:48am
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Tinman



Member Since: 22 Mar 2017
Location: kent
Posts: 929

United Kingdom 2017 Range Rover Autobiography SDV8 Silicon Silver

So the wife and I went to Tesco and to my surprize she turned to me and said your a lazy Censored to which I nearly fell out of the trolly?

Post #538137 21st Dec 2019 6:29pm
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nearlee



Member Since: 28 Feb 2018
Location: Where the sheep are scared
Posts: 227

Wales 

 Remember:- amateurs built the ark
Proffesionals built the titanic

Post #538149 21st Dec 2019 8:46pm
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rjff



Member Since: 28 Oct 2017
Location: Fenland in Cambridgeshire
Posts: 1164

United Kingdom 2011 Range Rover Vogue TDV8 Santorini Black

Shocked



 Cheers
Richard

(there are no such things as an ordinary FullFat, an ordinary cat or too many tools)
2011 TDV8 Vogue Santorini Black
Gap IIDBT

Post #539668 6th Jan 2020 9:37pm
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AJGalaxy2012



Member Since: 11 Jun 2018
Location: Gainsborough
Posts: 1260

United Kingdom 2012 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 V8 Bonatti Grey

Hubby goes off fishing, he gets set up, cast the line in and within 1 minute he’d caught a 10lb fish. He cast the line again, within another minute he’d caught an 11lb fish. He kept on repeating the process and caught a fish every minute all between 10 and 11lb, it was an amazing day.

His phone rang:
Hubby: ‘Hello’
Caller: ‘Mr Johnson?’
Hubby ‘Yes’
Caller: ‘ Hello sir, it’s Dr Parker in casualty at City Hospital, your wife has been involved in a terrible accident, she’s in a critical condition, you really need to be here’
Hubby ‘Jeez doc, best days fishing Ive had in a long time and now I need to miss it, just caught loads of fish. OK, I’ll pack up and come down.

He wound his line in and he had another 11lb fish, he thought he’d just try for one minute, he caught another and another. 30 minutes had gone by he thought he better get down to casualty.

As he walked down the corridor to casualty he met the doctor coming the other way.

Hubby: ‘Hi doc, hows my wife?’
Doc: ‘I know what you did, YOU stayed fishing whilst YOUR wife was here critically ill.’
Doc: ‘Let me tell you this, if your wife needs feeding, YOU will have to feed her’
Doc: ‘If she needs to go to the toilet, YOU will have to take her’
Doc: ‘If she needs a bath, YOU will have to bath her.’
Hubby hung his head in shame and burst into tears.
The doctor laughed and slapped him on the back and said ‘Ha, gotcha, I’m winding you up, I’m only kidding, shes DEAD really, what did you catch?’ BMW i3 Electric Car (170 bhp mobility scooter)
2012 Full Fat RR 4.4 TDV8 (now gone)
2006 VW Touareg 3.0 TDi V6

Post #613980 27th Nov 2021 6:49pm
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Merchy



Member Since: 14 Feb 2021
Location: North Wales
Posts: 841

United Kingdom 2006 Range Rover Vogue Td6 Zermatt Silver

just a few jokes -

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!

What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off!

What did the leper say to the sex worker? Keep the tip.

What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam!

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers!

What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas!

Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes!

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator!

How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.

What do you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter.

How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.

If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

What comes after 69? Mouthwash.

What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.


Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died!

What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!

What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."

What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?"

How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.

What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.

A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."

What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball!

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? "Thanks for coming!"

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.

What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine!

One last joke, not sure if it's already in this thread, but.............

Two blokes talking in a pub and one says, I had the best sex ever with the wife last night, in the rodeo position, his mate is puzzled and said what the hell is the rodeo position? mate says oh that's easy, get the wife on all fours on the bed, mount her from behind, reach around and hold her tits, but with a firm grip. his mate says, that's not the rodeo position that's doing it doggy style, his mate says, it is.....until..... you whisper in her ear, 'your tits feel nicer than your sister's', then you try and hang on for more than eight seconds......

Post #629405 22nd Apr 2022 1:04pm
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