Andy Carroll has apologised to Kenny Dalglish for walking straight down the tunnel after being subbed at the Newcastle game, he said he was aiming for the bench.

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".


The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"



The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...









NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!.

Three dogs go to the vets. A Poodle, Yorkie and Alsation.

The Yorkie and Alsation ask the Poodle what he's in for.

'Got bad breath. Vet's looking at my teeth and my diet', he says.

The Yorkie gets asked next. 'Gettin' too agressive, so they're havin' me balls off.'

The Alsation's turn to own up. 'Well', he said. 'I was in my Master's bathroom the other day and his missus was by the sink , looking in the mirror. She didn't have a stitch on and she's quite fit. Anyway, she bent over and there it was. Couldn't resist. So I gave her one.'

The other two looked at poor Alsation with shock at what would befall him when he went into the consulting rooom. 'The whole lot? Balls n' all.' they said.

'No', said the Alsation.

'Master's havin' my nails clipped.'

 Si. <This is my name.

I eat rat poison.

A man ain't truly been insulted until he stands buck naked in front of a woman and she didn't even notice. Or care.

Called my boss earlier and said i won't be in work tomorrow because I've got vaginal issues.
He went " For f.u.c.k.s sake..... You're a man"
"Yes, & you're a c.u.n.t."

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.


A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'




'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.



The waiting room erupted in laughter...

A man took his limp duck to the vet, who listened for the bird's pulse with her stethoscope. "Sorry, your bird's dead."

"You sure?" he shouted.

"I'm sure."

"But you haven't tested or anything. He might be in a coma!"

Rolling her eyes, the vet brought a Labrador Retriever and cat into the room. The lab put his paws on the examination table, sniffed the duck and looked at the vet with sad eyes.

The cat jumped up, sniffed the duck, shook her head and meowed softly.

"Sorry," said the vet, "but definitely, the duck is certifiably dead." She then printed out her bill and handed it to the man.

"$150!!" he cried. "Just to say my duck is dead?"






The vet shrugged. "Sorry, if you'd have taken my word for it, it would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the
CAT Scan, it all adds up!"

oh dear Mick...  You can paypal direct using - www.paypal.me/duckworthparts
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I hear England is officially in drought......
Lets see how many Africans start sending us £2 a month.

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells
the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.











The barber replied: "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does". ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

My wife said i make love like a painter.
I said"What like Da Vinci, smooth strokes, attention to detail and the result a masterpiece?"
She said " No, like the council. rush the job, leave a mess and i have to finish it myself!"  gone fishin'

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.


No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."

Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it"

Wife texts back: "Computer completely f d now"

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven... The man says he'll try.. God visits the man a week later to see how he's getting on.. "Not bad" says the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the freezer I had to shag her up the a*se"..They dont like that in heaven replies God.. The man says "They're not too happy about it in Asda either!" There is nothing that can't be fixed with a hammer😜😜
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