I just popped down the shops to get one of those D.I.Y. artificial Christmas trees.

The girl on the checkout asked me " Are you going to put that up yourself?"

"Nah", I said, " I think I'll just put it in the front room".

Did you walk to the shops?

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, bullsh.it... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

Testicle disorder

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
The woman screamed, "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "And how can THAT be justified?!!"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan. " 2006 HSE

It all makes sense now.

Gay marriage & marijuana being legalized on the same day in Washington state.

Leviticus 20:13- "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."

We were just interpreting it wrong. 2006 HSE

Subject: The Fiscal Cliff explained................

This puts things into a much better perspective as to the present
economic situation in the United States.....(I wonder about the rest of the
world too!)

Lesson # 1:

* U.S. Tax revenue: $ 2,170,000,000,000
* Fed budget: $ 3,820,000,000,000
* New debt: $ 1,650,000,000,000
* National debt: $ 14,271,000,000,000
* Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000

Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget:

* Annual family income: $ 21,700
* Money the family spent: $ 38,200
* New debt on the credit card: $ 16,500
* Outstanding balance on the credit card: $ 142,710
* Total budget cuts so far: $ 38.50

Got It ?????





OK now,

Lesson # 2:

Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:
Let's say, You come home from work and find
there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood....
and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.

What do you think you should do ......

Raise the ceilings, or remove the ? 2006 HSE

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer
a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your
community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also
show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has
huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support
his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died
in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I
had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what
the makes you think I'd give any to you?" 2006 HSE

Will someone please take pity on Chris Rea and give him a map, poor bastards been trying to get home since 1988.

My wife asked me for something in silk for Christmas.......
No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong bleedin' colour..  gone fishin'

I got a Christmas card today with nothing written on it. All it had inside was some rice. then I realised it was from my Uncle Ben.

 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

Teacher asks her class of 8 year olds,

"Who can tell me a twelve letter word"?

After a short silence Johnny puts his hand up

Teacher say "Go on then Johnny".

"Masterbation" shouts Johnny proudly.

"That's a bit of a mouthful" says the teacher.

"No Miss" shouts Johnny "Thats a blow job"

Found a note stuck on my door from my sexy blonde neighbour earlier, saying " I want you to come round here and f.u.c.k. me stupid" but she can p.i.s.s off.
Nobody calls me names an then asks for a favour.  gone fishin'

..::NEWSFLASH::..

Lothian and Borders Fire and Rescue have ordered Edinburgh Zoo to stop letting the Monkeys cook their own tea after an outbreak of Chimp Pan Fires.

Don't buy the Jimmy Savile advent calender! What a rip-off!...

..... you can only open the flaps on 8 to 15!

Apparently, I suffer from xenophobia...

I bet I caught it off some fecking foreigner.