Surgeon visits a patient in his hospital bed. Would you like the good news or bad news. Bad news says he. Surgeon says "I'm sorry but we are going to have to amputate both of your legs".
Oh my god says the patient, what's the good news?
Surgeon says "the guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"..... Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

You still not finished the Glayva yet?

A fat, putrid, stomach turning, septic mutant of a girl walks into a bar. She looks down, starts to cry, and runs back out of the pub.

At this point, the barman approached me and said, "Sir, if you don't stop your out-loud running commentary, I will call security. This is your final warning!" ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

I got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in. Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

Mark Cahill's hand transplant has encountered a bit of a snag. He's unable to put it in his pocket.

Turns out the donor came from Yorkshire ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

...it's also very strong.

Turns out he was a merchant banker.

I've made a few discoveries the last couple of years.

Unfortunately Land Rover is suing the out of me. ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Norman and Barry got married in California .

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Norman 's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Norman 's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...I gave him my airplane glue.'

Checked my Tesco burgers in the fridge.........
........and they're off

"Tesco burgers" low in salt high in shergar!

My friend ended up in hospital after eating burgers containing horse meat from Tesco.
he's in a stable condition ,but he still has the trots.  gone fishin'

Forget about horse burgers from Tesco. I just had meatballs from Sainsburys and they were the dogs b o l l o x !!  Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning , can you believe that, 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. " that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London:
Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talking to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.



19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.



I'm sorry everybody, I'll go now Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

Hamburgers is an anagram of Shergars bum. What does that tell you

A Muslim man said to me, "what do you think of when you hear the word, Allah?"

"la la la la bamba," I replied. ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

I hate it when you're typing something whilst thinking about something else and you end up subconciously typing what you were boobs.

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:


Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home. 2006 HSE