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Y. O. L. O.
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An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower phone rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and saw he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"


Aircraft” “The mess in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.” It's "bébéchoon", ackcherly, with accents. 'Steve' to my chums.
20 years ownership of Solihull products, ALL GONE NOW, sniff!
Current motor: Suzuki S-Cross 4WD auto, 1.4 petrol. Oh so reliable! 8 years now and no problems. Oh, all right then, a leaking shocker replaced under guarantee.
Previous:
TD6 HSE L322 Auto FF
2.5 TDi 4-door Classic
Disco II
And my 1st Rangie: in 1995, a 2-door VM 2.5 diesel Classic
Not to mention the Lada Niva before those. (I said not to mention it!)

They had a contest the other day at the Senior Citizens Center. I lost, but the questions were tricky. One question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa.

Another question that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Arabs is not the correct answer either.



There’s a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.



You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past the schools.



A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”



I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned on my Facebook page that, “I can’t wait for the new 911 to arrive!” Next thing I know, 4,000 bloody Muslims have added me as a friend!




The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Topical ....  ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Several days ago, as I left a meeting, I desperately gave myself a
personal search. I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room
revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
headed for the car park.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His
theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His
theory was right. The car park was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed
that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times
like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected,
but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not
stolen your bloody car."

This is what they call, " the Golden Years!" Mine was a blue one!

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a
gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll
be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have
your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket and I will hold the chickens. Mine was a blue one!

Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in casualty.

When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it ..........
Never saw her once.

She still hasn't come home yet. I'm starving. It's "bébéchoon", ackcherly, with accents. 'Steve' to my chums.
20 years ownership of Solihull products, ALL GONE NOW, sniff!
Current motor: Suzuki S-Cross 4WD auto, 1.4 petrol. Oh so reliable! 8 years now and no problems. Oh, all right then, a leaking shocker replaced under guarantee.
Previous:
TD6 HSE L322 Auto FF
2.5 TDi 4-door Classic
Disco II
And my 1st Rangie: in 1995, a 2-door VM 2.5 diesel Classic
Not to mention the Lada Niva before those. (I said not to mention it!)

FROM THE HOSPITAL:

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis tip was NOT cancer, it was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation. It's "bébéchoon", ackcherly, with accents. 'Steve' to my chums.
20 years ownership of Solihull products, ALL GONE NOW, sniff!
Current motor: Suzuki S-Cross 4WD auto, 1.4 petrol. Oh so reliable! 8 years now and no problems. Oh, all right then, a leaking shocker replaced under guarantee.
Previous:
TD6 HSE L322 Auto FF
2.5 TDi 4-door Classic
Disco II
And my 1st Rangie: in 1995, a 2-door VM 2.5 diesel Classic
Not to mention the Lada Niva before those. (I said not to mention it!)

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. So, it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO It's "bébéchoon", ackcherly, with accents. 'Steve' to my chums.
20 years ownership of Solihull products, ALL GONE NOW, sniff!
Current motor: Suzuki S-Cross 4WD auto, 1.4 petrol. Oh so reliable! 8 years now and no problems. Oh, all right then, a leaking shocker replaced under guarantee.
Previous:
TD6 HSE L322 Auto FF
2.5 TDi 4-door Classic
Disco II
And my 1st Rangie: in 1995, a 2-door VM 2.5 diesel Classic
Not to mention the Lada Niva before those. (I said not to mention it!)

Blondes Ain't Always Entirely Dumb
Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the
rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man
is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I
drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's
stall in the barn so you know which one it is. You show
him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

She says OK, and the rancher leaves for the fields.
A few hours later, the artificial insemination man arrives
and knocks on the front door, and Amy takes him down the barn.
They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the
nail, she tells him, "This is the one: right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think was just
another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady,
how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she says pointing. "By the nail over its stall"
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
"Well," she says as she turns to walk away, "I guess it's to
hang your pants on." There is a difference between knowing your sh!t and knowing you're sh!t

2005 Registered 2006 MY 4.4 AJV8 Range Rover Vogue

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set
yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm me! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little
Irish blood and some Spanish blood.
What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied,
"How very sporting of your mother!" There is a difference between knowing your sh!t and knowing you're sh!t

2005 Registered 2006 MY 4.4 AJV8 Range Rover Vogue

The inventor of throat lozenges has died...

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

A snail was mugged by a tortoise.
When the police asked the snail if he could identify his assailant the snail replied....
No it all happened too quickly!

I know its cracker material but makes me chuckle. 2011 Range Rover Vogue 4.4 TDV8
2003 VW Golf V6 4motion
2001 Range Rover Vogue 4.6
1982 Range Rover in VOGUE
1990 Range Rover Vogue SE
2007 Audi A6 Avant Le Mans Quattro S-Line 3.0 TDI
2007 Skoda Ovtavia 2.0 TDI L&K
2007 GSX-R 750 K7